Whether sex and love should be unified in marriage has long been a controversial topic. For supporters of Platonic love, a marriage with love and no sex is pure, that is, true love.
Writer Wood heart for marriage of sex and love said such a sentence: "sexual incompetence is a small matter, love incompetence is a big thing." But looking at the real life, sex and loveless marriage is not what most people want, sex and loveless marriage is full of more hidden dangers.
With statistics showing that sex accounts for 15 percent of happiness in happy marriages and 85 percent of unhappiness in unhappy ones, what kind of sex makes for a good relationship and what is the optimal frequency of sex between couples?
In general, what makes two people fall in love is that they are in close contact with each other, which satisfies their nature and instincts. In Maslow's hierarchy of needs theory, sexual needs (physiological needs) are the most basic needs, which are at the lowest level in the hierarchy of needs. This is the best mini sex doll.
However, the individual's need for love is ranked as the third among the five basic needs, which is higher than the physiological needs. Only after the low-level needs are satisfied, the individual will tend to meet the higher level needs.
There is no doubt that sexual demand is human nature and instinct. In the primitive period, human beings did not understand what love was. Forced by the needs of reproduction in the body, male and female began to combine, and this nature also flowed in various periods of human evolution.
Although both men and women have instinctive sexual impulses and sexual needs, however, there are some differences in this kind of sex and love between men and women.
Psychosexual differences between the sexes: Unity and disjunction of sex and love
For sex, for marriage, there are more or less differences between men and women, one of the most controversial is whether men can be separated sexually, because generally speaking, women's love and sex are one.
For most women, if the man they have sex with is not the one they love, she instinctively resists and is disgusted by the behavior.
For them, if they don't love him, then this kind of sex is a kind of torture to themselves, their sex must be accompanied by love, most of the time they have love before sex.
Unlike women, men have sex with a person who wants to have intimate contact with her body. This desire is sex. Men's love and sex are almost symbiotic, but sometimes sex does not even involve love.
There is a myth that women will refuse sex with someone they don't like, and that men will reject someone they don't like when the lights are on, but it doesn't matter if they like them or not.
It's okay for men to have multiple sexual partners. In evolutionary psychology, primitive men needed to produce more offspring to ensure that their bloodline would survive the perils of nature.
Women, on the other hand, tend to care more about the quality of their sexual partners than the quantity, because women obviously care more than men when it comes to reproduction, because they are the mother of the child anyway.
Therefore, women pay more attention to whether their partner can provide better growth environment and development potential for their offspring.
Under the influence of traditional culture, women are given a passive role and naturally need their partners to provide a better living environment for their offspring. Most men, on the other hand, are not overly concerned about whether their partner provides a good environment for them:
On the one hand, due to the influence of traditional culture, men are generally required to be indomitable, capable and talented. On the other hand, such expectation on men makes many men require themselves to be more useful in order to meet their own face or expectations.
These two different kinds of sexual psychology are also the products of human evolution in nature. Generally speaking, some psychological emergence of individuals is bound to have a certain connection with reality, that is, some psychological emergence under realistic needs.
There are a number of sexual and psychological differences between the sexes, but when it comes to getting married, those differences can be reconciled into a lifestyle that works best for the couple, including the optimal frequency of sex.
There is no doubt that sex is needed to make a good marriage, but is there a relationship between the frequency of sex and love in a marriage? The more sex we have, the more we fall in love?
The Carnegie Mellon University study: Finding the Optimal Frequency of sex in a marriage
What is the best frequency to have sex in order to study? American psychologists conducted a bizarre experiment. In order to find the optimal frequency of sex, four psychologists at Carnegie Mellon University in the US selected 64 couples with the same background variables in a rigorous comparison experiment, minimizing the experimental error caused by irrelevant variables.
The independent variable in the experiment is sexual frequency, and the dependent variable is the change of happiness brought by the change of sexual frequency.
The researchers assigned 29 couples to a control group and asked them to maintain their sexual frequency, while the remaining 35 couples were asked to double their sexual frequency from N times a month to 2N times a month.
The experiment lasted for three months, during which the participants used remote questionnaires to gauge their sexual frequency, desire, happiness, sexual satisfaction and so on.
After recording and collating the data of these 64 couples, the researchers made a series of charts. According to the data displayed in the charts, the researchers conducted a collation and comparative analysis (mainly including the comparison of three aspects: emotion, pleasure and desire), and obtained the following data and results:
Pleasure comparison chart
In the comparison chart of pleasure, after three months, the mean value of pleasure of the experimental control group was 6.1, while that of the experimental group was 5.6. The degree of pleasure was significantly lower than that of the experimental control group. After the frequency of sex doubled, the happiness and pleasure of these 34 couples decreased to some extent.
In the control group, there was no significant change in pleasure. The results showed that increased frequency of sex led to decreased pleasure. In other words, more sex did not lead to greater happiness.
Mood contrast chart
In the comparison chart of emotions, in the past three months, the average mood of the experimental control group was 12, while that of the experimental group was only 9.5, which was significantly lower than that of the experimental control group. That is to say, after increasing the frequency of sex, the mood between couples did not become more positive, on the contrary, it also became more depressed. The results show that there is no linear relationship between sex life and mood improvement.
Comparative chart of sexual desire
Similarly, in the comparison chart of the degree of sexual desire, the experimental control did not significantly increase or decrease, but the data of the experimental group showed a trend of decline, and with the change of experimental time, the mean value of sexual desire of the experimental group of 34 couples was significantly lower than that of the experimental control group.
In other words, as the frequency of sexual activity increases and doubles, there is no increase in sexual desire in the process, but rather the increase in sexual frequency leads to a lack of sexual feeling or boredom.
Taken together, the data and the results of all three comparisons showed that doubling sex frequency did not increase couples' happiness, meaning there was no linear relationship between sex frequency and happiness.
But couples who maintained the same frequency of sex experienced more happiness, or maintained the same level of happiness, without significant change.
Although there is no linear relationship between happiness and sexual frequency, they have a similar parabola relationship. When the sexual frequency reaches a certain value, the couple will experience the greatest degree of happiness. Once the frequency is above or below the frequency, the happiness they experience is likely to decline.
This experiment also proves from the side that the optimal frequency of sex to maintain a marriage is not the more the better, but different from person to person, there is no single standard, theoretically, every couple has their own optimal frequency of sex.
There is no single answer to the standard of frequency of sex. The optimal frequency of sex for a good marriage requires constant adjustment and exploration between the two of you. The different sexual psychology of the sexes also leads to the need to work with each other in order to maintain a good intimate relationship.
It is also due to human nature that most marriages with sex and no love do not last long, which is why couples who sleep separately for a long time tend to divorce.
Not to be denied, sex can bring a certain amount of pleasure and happiness to a marriage, and the optimal frequency of sex in a marriage needs to be determined by yourself.